As the eldest of three girls, much was expected of me. I was required to be responsible for my younger sisters, spending many days babysitting and doing chores. I missed out on many opportunities with friends because of my responsibilities at home. It felt like my life wasn’t my own and I grew resentful and bitter. It seemed I had no freedom or control of my life. I could not wait to grow up, get married and move out! I thought it would be so much easier. Sure, we went to church on Sundays, and I knew who Jesus was and I did love him, but I did not know him closely. He seemed so far away from me.
Feeling that I had no control or say of my own life, led me on a quest to gain that security in a boyfriend. In the summer before my senior year of high school, I met a boy and we started dating. We were inseparable from that time on. He became my security. He was everything to me. We married the next spring, I was 18, and he was 19. Actually, we are still married today, some 31 years later! But, even having found the love of my life, still did not bring that peace and satisfaction I was looking for. I seemed happy on the outside, but inside the years of resentment and bitterness had turned my heart hard and cold.
“Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain…children are a reward from Him.” Psalm 127:1-3
Being such a young married couple, we knew enough to not start a family right away. Thinking we were in control of our lives, we “planned” to start a family after 5 years. So, we happily trotted off on sunny, fun-filled vacations, bought new cars, went to concerts, and had a good time. Well, our 5 year anniversary came and we put our master plan in action. It was time to start a family. After anniversaries 6 and 7, and still no babies, we started to wonder what was wrong. The stress of “trying” for years was overwhelming. We got loads and loads of advice from well intentioned friends and family. We tried everything. We did medical tests, surgeries, fertility treatments and even tried some of the really strange advice we were given!
In my helplessness, I finally realized how much I needed a Savior to guide me and comfort me. God brought a close cousin of mine back into my life at this time. She had become a born-again Christian just a short time before and her life was so changed, she was so happy, I was intrigued. We began getting together and she shared more and more about Jesus, telling me who he really is. She would always say “don’t take my word for it, look it up in the Bible and see for yourself”. So I did. On one of these days, she told me to read Isaiah 53. I opened my Bible, turned to Isaiah 53 and began to read. From the first verse, it was like my eyes were opened and my hard heart started to soften. Verse by verse I read, and I saw Jesus for who He was. I knew that He was the Messiah and I needed Him. When I read that “He was a man of sorrows and familiar with suffering.” (v3) I knew without a doubt that Jesus would carry me through this difficult time and I would be okay. I knew that He understood my pain. I gave my heart to him right then.
Having accepted Jesus was just the first step. Then, I found a church home and really started to grow spiritually. My hard heart was softening, and even though my circumstances were still the same, I was okay. I felt secure and began to give control to Jesus, so He “the Master Builder” could “build my house”.
Still, after 15 years, we had no family. Like Hannah from the Bible, I “in bitterness of soul, wept much and prayed to the Lord…saying if only you will look upon your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, I will give him to the Lord all the days of his life.” 1 Sam. 10 & 11 Still, there was no son. But, it was during this time that I was so close to Jesus. He was my comforter, my strength, and His word gave me hope that He would answer my prayers. Now, was it always easy to believe it would happen in the midst of the pain and disappointment? No!! But, when you give up control of your life to Jesus, you learn to trust that He has the best in mind for you and He will show you the way to go. Sometimes when you let go of one dream, He gives you another worth grabbing onto.
Once you learn to listen to the voice of the Lord, then you just might get that answer to prayer. He might even speak to you through a dream. That is exactly what He did for me. For several years I had this same dream on a regular basis. It went like this: I, being very with child went to the hospital, ready to deliver. I would enter the elevator pregnant, but, when I got to the delivery room things changed. I was not on the bed, but standing next to it and another woman was having the baby. Then, I would leave the hospital in hand with a “toddler” not a baby! Well, I did not get this at all and I tried to ignore these dreams for many years. I was not ready to consider that the Lord might be sending me a message. But, at the right time, I understood He was trying to tell me He had a wonderful plan for us, adoption. Then, after 20 years of medical tests, treatments, countless prayers, and rivers of tears, we let go of one dream and picked up the dream the Lord built for us. That was nearly 8 years ago now and we are so blessed by having adopted our beautiful daughter, as a toddler. I can say with total confidence that He answered our prayers! We received our reward, as promised. For 20 years, we did “labor in vain” because the Lord had other, even better plans for us. We only had to accept and trust to find out!
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